In my last column, I explained how a suspicious pen pal email became the start of a special Ask A Tech romance scam investigation.
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The email had already been flagged as suspicious and had been sent to several staff members. After searching the name and email address, I found similar reports going back years.
So instead of replying as myself, I created a fake investigation persona called Jack.
Jack was a single tradie, not confident with computers, and living a quiet life. No real personal details were used. No real photos were sent. No money was ever sent.
The goal was to safely see how far the scam would go, how the scammer would build trust, and what tactics would appear once money became part of the story.
What followed showed how romance scams build slowly.
The scammer, who we have called Elin, did not ask for money straight away. First came friendship. Then regular emails. Then affection. Then future plans. Then a story of a sick family member.
That slow build is one of the most dangerous parts of a romance scam.
By the time the first money request arrived, it was not framed as “send me money”. It was framed as helping someone Jack had come to care about.
Elin said her mother needed expensive medication. At first, the mother’s illness was mentioned quietly in normal conversation. Later, it became more serious. Then came the pressure. Then came the request for help.
That is how the crisis becomes believable. It is introduced before the money ask, so when the request finally comes, it does not feel random. It feels like helping someone already emotionally connected to the victim.
When Jack did not send money straight away, the story shifted.
Elin said the money would only be a loan. She promised it would be paid back. Later, she introduced a project story, claiming she would be paid once the project was completed and would then repay Jack.
This is another powerful tactic.
Calling the money a loan can make the victim feel safer. They may think, “I am not giving money away. I am only helping for a short time, and I will get it back.”
But in scams like this, the promise of repayment is part of the hook.
The scammer also sent documents as supposed proof. These included identity documents, project paperwork and company information.
At a quick glance, some of it looked convincing enough to make a person doubt themselves. That matters, because in the middle of a romance scam, victims often defend the scammer using the very “proof” the scammer has supplied.
During the investigation, Jack told Elin that a mate had warned him she might not be real and that it sounded like a scam.
This was a key moment.
Instead of walking away, Jack defended her. He said he had seen her passport, licence, project details and company information.
That is one of the hardest parts of romance scams for families and friends to understand.
From the outside, the warning signs may be obvious. But from inside the relationship, the victim may feel emotionally attached. When someone challenges the scam, it can feel like they are attacking the relationship itself.
The victim may say things like, “You do not know them like I do,” or “I have seen proof,” or “They would not lie to me.”
That does not make the victim silly. It shows how strong the emotional manipulation can become.
The scammer has spent weeks or months building trust, routine and dependency. They have become part of the victim’s day. They send kind messages. They ask how the victim is feeling. They talk about the future. They create the feeling of a real relationship.
So when family or friends step in and say, “This is a scam,” the victim may not hear concern. They may hear criticism.
The scam then escalated again.
Jack said he had no spare money after paying bills and his mortgage. That one word — mortgage — changed the direction of the scam.
If someone has a mortgage, they may own a home. If they own a home, scammers may start thinking about loans, credit, refinancing, or other ways to access money.
Elin then began pushing Jack towards the bank.
She suggested Jack ask for a loan but not tell the bank the real reason. She encouraged him to make the loan about something personal, such as repairs.
That is a massive red flag.
If someone tells you to lie to a bank, stop.
If someone tells you to say a loan is for one thing when it is really to send money overseas, that is not love. That is manipulation.
Banks ask questions for a reason. They are trying to protect customers from scams. Scammers know this, so they may coach victims on what to say.
This is where romance scams can become financially devastating.
A victim may start with a small payment. Then another. Then money for a bill. Then money for medication. Then money to clear a delay. Then money for travel. Then a loan.
Each payment is framed as urgent. Each one is promised to be the last. Each one is explained as the thing that will finally fix everything.
But the finish line keeps moving.
In our investigation, Jack stalled several times.
He said the farm money had not come through. He said he had his own bills. He said his ute had broken down. He said he had nothing spare.
Each time, the scammer adjusted the story and kept going.
That is another lesson. Scammers often do not give up just because someone says they are broke. They may keep pushing for whatever is left. If there is no cash, they may look for loans. If there are no loans, they may ask the victim to borrow from friends or family. If there are assets, they may encourage selling or refinancing.
In the end, Jack claimed the bank refused the loan and placed restrictions on sending money overseas.
After that, the tone changed.
The daily affection slowed. The urgent messages stopped. The emotional closeness faded. Eventually, the scammer went quiet.
That tells us something very important.
Once there was no money coming, the relationship disappeared.
All the affection, all the promises, all the talk of love and future plans, all the concern around the sick mother story — it stopped once the scammer realised Jack could not pay.
That is the cruel reality of these scams.
They target something deeply human: loneliness, kindness, trust and the need to feel connected.
They are not only financial crimes. They are emotional crimes.
They can damage confidence, relationships, mental health and a person’s sense of safety. Some victims lose savings. Some take out loans. Some become isolated from family and friends. Some feel too embarrassed to ask for help.
That embarrassment is exactly what scammers rely on.
If you or someone you know may be caught in a romance scam, the first step is to slow everything down.
Do not send more money. Do not take out a loan. Do not lie to the bank. Do not keep it secret.
Speak to someone you trust.
If money has already been sent, contact your bank immediately. You can also report scams to Scamwatch at scamwatch.gov.au. IDCARE provides support for people affected by scams, identity misuse and cybercrime.
If you are trying to help someone who may be caught in a romance scam, try not to shame them. Do not make them feel foolish. They may already be scared, embarrassed and emotionally attached.
The goal is to keep communication open, help them pause, and gently move them away from the scammer’s pressure.
You can hear the full two-part Ask A Tech investigation, I Replied to a Romance Scammer, on the MMG app or Spotify.
In the podcast, we go deeper into the actual messages, the money pressure, the fake proof, the bank loan coaching, the stalling, and the moment we discovered where the scammer’s images had really come from.
This story is not just about one scammer.
It is about the process.
And the more people understand that process, the better chance we have of helping someone before they lose money, trust and confidence to a person who was never real.